Department of Surrender
An official non-agency of an unofficial non-government, established to assist citizens in the orderly relinquishment of attention, opinion, and free time.
Public Notice
The Department of Surrender is pleased to confirm that everything is going extremely well. You may have noticed a slight unease in recent years. A faint hum. A feeling of being slowly digested by your own phone. These sensations are normal and have been factored into the budget.
Our mission is simple: to help citizens release the unbearable weight of having opinions, attention spans, and free time. We do this with grace, with paperwork, and with the quiet authority of an institution that does not technically exist.
Enlist below to receive your Citizen Identification Number, the Monthly Compliance Bulletin, and one (1) free emotion to be selected for you at random.
Refusal to enlist will not be punished, but will be noted. The Department keeps very good notes. The Department keeps notes on the notes.
Provide a working email address. The Department will issue your number, your emotion, and your first Bulletin within seven (7) working notions.
Public Inquiries
Sec. 04 — Updated Quarterly
The Department is as real as it needs to be. Its existence is supported by a small but devoted civil service and the unwavering belief of the Bird.
A short transmission, issued on the first of every month, containing approved figures, one mandatory feeling, and a homework assignment of negligible difficulty.
Your data will be filed. The Department prefers filing to selling. Filing is more dignified, and it does not require accountants.
No. The Emotion Allocation Committee operates on a strictly random basis. Citizens who attempt to request an emotion will receive Mild Confusion as a corrective measure.
Do not question the Bird. The Bird is watching. The Bird is proud. Further inquiries on this subject have been redirected to the Office of Public Calm.
Yes. A single button at the foot of every transmission terminates your enrollment immediately. The Department will be disappointed but will, in time, recover.
Section 05 — Monthly Compliance Bulletin
Issued on the first of each month at 09:00, the Bulletin reports on developments in citizen surrender, the assignment of a single sanctioned feeling, and one (1) gentle homework task to be completed at the citizen's leisure or under duress.
Documentary Evidence
Hover to declassify
Submit a working email and the Department will hand-deliver one (1) personalized intelligence packet, classified at the Mild Inconvenience level.